Haunted.

(Written 3/12/2012)

I’ve been told that the people you love become ghosts inside of you and like this, you keep them alive. If this is true, then I am being haunted.

My need to stay and my will to go are at odds with each other because you’re living in unrest within the creaky hallways of my veins. All day long you just walk in circles, imprinting yourself behind my eyelids and pumping blood to my heart as a reminder of the promise we made to each other.

Our purpose in this life is to discover the sparks of light that have been hidden away throughout our creation. I told you that finding you was an accident and that it never should have happened. It was some divine encounter that I discovered you, my lost spark, in this world.  I think part of that is true but after closer examination, I think part of you had been living somewhere hidden within me all along.

I know I can’t have you and for that, you’ve been exiled to these dark corners of my memory, which regretfully deteriorate faster than I can build. The moments that I was granted to retain the lines of your face are so minimal compared to the expanse of time that pleads for me to remember. Perhaps the fragments I’ve strung together aren’t entirely accurate anymore. These lines have become blurred and you’re just a hazy shadow trapped inside of me.

But, for now, I can live with chasing the shadow.

Favorite Things:

When days drag on, Mel Chang & I pass back and forth a list of our favorite things. It’s slightly escapist, but it’s purpose is to make us forget all of the mundane and ordinary parts of having a 9-5 job.

Well, it’s one of those days and I figured I’d share since it might be a long day for a lot of you:

Katie

Spring, Otis Redding, grandpa sweaters, Star Wars, rainy Sunday’s, mac n’ cheese, pheromones, sandy toes, friends, new toothbrush, clean sheets, the sunny side of the street, holding hands, GDC, empty inbox, a hug from mom, love letters, newly lit match, thunderstorms, little black dress, back scratches, warm baths, & having money after rent.

Mel

Chocolate, flannel, coffee, Frank Sinatra, pedicures, Angry Birds, warm laundry, sunsets, bacon, puppy kisses, ducks flying “v”, jasmine tea, smell of fresh-baked bread, strawberry season, text msgs from people you love, perfectly poured beer, board games, sound of popping wine bottles, girl movies w/ wine, big heels, & dance classes.

Looking through these lists, it’s obvious that there’s a lot in this world to love, and happiness can be found in the smallest things. Whatever puts a smile on your face, go out and grasp it today.

Happy Valentine’s Day Tumblr!

Getting older.

God was showing off when he made you.

Mom Encouragement.

For context, today is my last day at WestEd. Come Monday, I will be working at an architecture firm (Skidmore, Owings, and Merrill) as their shiny new Project Coordinator.

This is a tremendous opportunity for me, but I’m getting that feeling that we all get when we’re about to start a new chapter in our lives. The magic recipe is a blend of nerves, excitement, hesitation, faith, and chaos. At this exact moment, my skin is the only thing that is keeping me from bouncing into all four corners of the room.

In moments of fear and anxiety, I tend to retreat to my mom for a few positive affirmations. In this case, I sent her an email basically saying “I know this is a good step, but please just tell me it’s a good step”. This was her response:

“You can do this. You are the master of your destiny. I have complete faith and pride in you. Now go out there, conquer the world, and move out of your flea infested home.

Love,

Columbus’ mother

(I’m sure this is the same speech she gave him when he said  ‘I don’t know if I can do this, I bullshitted my way into this’)”

And THAT is why we love my mother.